The Benchwatchers of Borehamwood

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Notes: There are little images at various places throughout this script. These are thumbnails of stills from the video. Click on a thumbnail to see the image at full size. The full-sized images are each 352 by 288 pixels and are JPEGs of between 40K and 80K each.
The Japanese benchwatchers who are mentioned in this script never appeared. We couldn't get enough people together to make it look convincing.
Text in black is what I originally wrote. Green is stuff we omitted, for any of several reasons that are far too boring to go into. Blue is stuff we invented on the day.

(Establishing shot of Borehamwood. Titles over.)

Commentator (Over establishing shot. He talks rapidly, in an exaggerated "BBC" type of voice, rather like Harry Enfield in the Mercury adverts.) This is Borehamwood, Hertfordshire, England. Noted for its fine retail emporiums -

(shot of grotty shop on corner of Clarendon Road)

Commentator - varied cuisine -
(Pizza Hut and Chinese takeaway)

Commentator - and motion-picture pre-production facilities.
(shot of Elstree Studios)

Commentator But though it is justly famous for these attractions, Borehamwood is even more renowned as the capital of British benchwatching.
(Pan around from the shot of studios to the benches outside McDonalds.)

(Old black and white film of an Edwardian man sitting on a bench, looking very serious. He does not move.) (My moustache in this scene was a large wad of cotton wool, coloured black with a very smelly felt-tip pen and held on with sellotape. At one point, one end came loose, and I hastily stuck it back on.)

Commentator Lieutenant Charles Albert Worthington-Cratchett is generally recognised as the father of British benchwatching. He became interested in benchwatching while he was in India, and studied under several gurus there. On his return to Borehamwood in 1911, he founded the British Benchwatching Committee, to promote benchwatching in this country.

(Back to colour. Nerdy young man (Jeremy) standing next to a bench, staring into the camera. He talks slowly, and tends to squint at things.) (The microphone is in shot throughout. At first, this was an attempt to get a good dialogue recording, but we decided to make a running joke of it.)

Commentator Jeremy Scropes has been a member of the British Benchwatching Committee, otherwise known as the BBC, for 10 years.

Jeremy I used to be one of the resident trainspotters at Crewe Station, but I gave it up because it became too hectic for me.

Commentator And how did you become involved in benchwatching?

Jeremy I borrowed Lieutenant Worthington-Cratchett's book Benchwatching: A Westerner's Perspective from the local library, and was, as they say, "hooked."

(Cut to Jeremy standing next to another bench. He is holding a notebook.)

Jeremy I have watched this bench twice a week for the last three years. In that time, I have seen... (he looks at his notebook) two thousand, one hundred and seventy-two people sit on it, although at least five hundred of those people have sat on it more than once, which does tend to distort the figures somewhat.

(Another bench)

Jeremy This bench was designed by Curiosity Green, one of the greatest benchmakers who ever lived. He made many improvements to the traditional bench of his day. For example (he crouches down at the side of the bench and puts a hand level with the seat) observe how the seat is at just the right height for your feet to rest on the ground when you sit on it. (pause) Simple, yet brilliant.

(In the background of the shot where Jeremy crouches down, the tourists rush up to another bench, take photos of it and rush off again. Jeremy doesn't notice them.)

(In another of these shots, the Japanese benchwatchers rush up, take some photos of the bench, and rush off again. Jeremy remarks: "That was a group of Japanese tourists on a benchwatching holiday. As you can see, the Japanese approach is rather different.")

(Another bench)

Jeremy Mavis Sandalgrigg of Theobald Street was sitting on this bench in the summer of nineteen thirty-four when she was kissed for the first time.

(He looks at the seat of the bench and touches it fondly. A passerby walks into the shot, sits down on the bench, and begins to read a book. Jeremy looks back at the camera, distraught.)

(Another bench. A well-dressed but rather dishevelled man is asleep on it. Jeremy rushes into the shot and wakes the man. The man looks at him groggily, staggers to his feet, and stumbles out of the shot. )

Jeremy This bench was made out of wood salvaged from a shipwreck on Aldenham Reservoir.

(Another bench)

Jeremy This bench was a body double for that famous bench in Gone with the Wind.

(Another bench. Jeremy is sitting on it, holding a little book, rather old and tatty. This is Worthington-Cratchett's book.)

Jeremy Worthington-Cratchett tells the story of a novice benchwatcher he heard in India. (reading:) "The novice asked his guru: 'Master, which aspect of the bench is most beautiful in the eyes of God?'"

(jump cut to Jeremy standing behind the bench. No book in his hands, but instead a camera.)

Jeremy "'The back?'" (He takes a photo of the bench.)

(in front, facing the bench)

Jeremy "'The front?'" (Another photo.)

(to one side)

Jeremy "'One side?'"

(other side)

Jeremy "'The other?'"

(lying underneath)

Jeremy "'The bottom?'"

(back to sitting on the bench, book in hand)

Jeremy "The guru replied: 'All of them. For if any aspect were removed, the bench would be a bench no longer.' The guru arranged for the novice to be reincarnated as a bench, the better to appreciate this precept." (puts the book aside) What the Lieutenant is saying there is that you can't watch a little bit of the bench at a time. You'll never be a real benchwatcher that way. You have to watch all of it, all at the same time. This is very difficult for Western people to do, because we're accustomed to taking things apart to see how they work, but I think I've managed it. I can now watch a whole bench for hours without feeling that I'm making any conscious effort.

(close up from the side of Jeremy, looking conspiratorially out of the corner of his eye at the camera)

Jeremy In fact, I've begun to go further than that.

Commentator Oh really? (pause) And how can you watch all of the bench at once -

(cut to show that Jeremy is sitting on the bench)

Commentator - when you're actually sitting on it?

Jeremy (mystically) I'm not just watching the bench. I'm watching the bench and its surroundings. The back of a bench means nothing without the whole bench. Likewise, a bench means nothing without the context it exists in.

(shot from the back of the bench, with Jeremy sitting on it, showing what he's looking at)

Jeremy I feel like a novice all over again...

(back to the close up)

Jeremy ...but my thoughts are troubled. I find myself wondering whether the view would be more beautiful if I was sitting on the other end of the bench... (He shuffles along the bench to the other end, and then looks back longingly at the end he has just vacated.)

(pull back from the close up. Once the pull back has gone as far as it can, cut to Oregano, sitting on a bench in his living room. He is dressed very much like Worthington-Cratchett. Could even be the same actor. He patiently waits for the commentator to finish talking.)

Commentator (over pull back) Clearly, this is radical stuff. Indeed, some members of the British Benchwatching Committee have already described Jeremy as a dangerous heretic. We attempted to interview some of them for this programme, but they were too deeply engrossed watching the bench, the whole bench and nothing but the bench.

(Jeremy sticks his head around the door of the room.)

Jeremy They're just jealous that they didn't think of it first.

(Both the commentator and Oregano ignore him.)

Commentator So instead we spoke to Major-Domo Luciano Ftang Oregano, President of the BBC. Major-Domo Oregano, do you agree with those in your organisation who describe Jeremy Scropes as a "dangerous heretic"?

Oregano (taken aback by the fact that the commentator is now talking to him. He talks in a deep, pompous voice, rather like the stereotype of an old army officer.) Not at all! Young Scropes has done a great deal for the Committee over the years, and I always look forward to his Bench of the Month column in our magazine Benchmark, on sale from all good newsagents, price twelve pounds fifty per issue. (He reaches down to stroke the fur on the microphone.) (smiles) He probably deserves to sit down for a while, after all the hard work he's done.

Commentator Would you say he was insane, then?

Oregano (smirking) No doubt about it! He's stark staring bonkers! What sane fellow would stand around staring at a bally park bench for five hours at a time, eh? Moo!

(The Japanese tourists rush up to Oregano's bench. One of them pushes Oregano out of the way.)

Oregano I say, do you mind? I've had just about enough of you. You're trespassing, I'll have you know!

(The tourists completely ignore him. Fade to black.)

(Bench at sunset. Single camera flash from last Japanese photographer.)

(Jeremy rushes back into the room and takes photographs of the bench. Oregano is initially surprised, but then his expression changes to weary resignation as he recognises Jeremy.)

Oregano Oh. It's you again.

(They hold the pose for a few seconds, as the shot dissolves into one of a bench silhouetted against the setting sun.)

Commentator (over shot of bench) There are a million tales in the naked City, and this has been just one of them. Goodnight, and remember serious benchwatching is a rare occurance. Sleep well.

	(Establishing shot of Borehamwood. Titles over.)
Commentator	(Over establishing shot. He talks rapidly, in an exaggerated "BBC" type of voice, rather like Harry Enfield in the Mercury adverts.) This is Borehamwood, Hertfordshire, England. Noted for its fine retail emporiums -
	(shot of grotty shop on corner of Clarendon Road)
Commentator	- varied cuisine - (Pizza Hut and Chinese takeaway)
Commentator	- and motion-picture pre-production facilities. (shot of Elstree Studios)
Commentator	But though it is justly famous for these attractions, Borehamwood is even more renowned as the capital of British benchwatching. (Pan around from the shot of studios to the benches outside McDonalds.)
	(Old black and white film of an Edwardian man sitting on a bench, looking very serious. He does not move.) (My moustache in this scene was a large wad of cotton wool, coloured black with a very smelly felt-tip pen and held on with sellotape. At one point, one end came loose, and I hastily stuck it back on.)
Commentator	Lieutenant Charles Albert Worthington-Cratchett is generally recognised as the father of British benchwatching. He became interested in benchwatching while he was in India, and studied under several gurus there. On his return to Borehamwood in 1911, he founded the British Benchwatching Committee, to promote benchwatching in this country.
	(Back to colour. Nerdy young man (Jeremy) standing next to a bench, staring into the camera. He talks slowly, and tends to squint at things.) (The microphone is in shot throughout. At first, this was an attempt to get a good dialogue recording, but we decided to make a running joke of it.)
Commentator	Jeremy Scropes has been a member of the British Benchwatching Committee, otherwise known as the BBC, for 10 years.
Jeremy	I used to be one of the resident trainspotters at Crewe Station, but I gave it up because it became too hectic for me.
Commentator	And how did you become involved in benchwatching?
Jeremy	I borrowed Lieutenant Worthington-Cratchett's book Benchwatching: A Westerner's Perspective from the local library, and was, as they say, "hooked."
	(Cut to Jeremy standing next to another bench. He is holding a notebook.)
Jeremy	I have watched this bench twice a week for the last three years. In that time, I have seen... (he looks at his notebook) two thousand, one hundred and seventy-two people sit on it, although at least five hundred of those people have sat on it more than once, which does tend to distort the figures somewhat.
	(Another bench)
Jeremy	This bench was designed by Curiosity Green, one of the greatest benchmakers who ever lived. He made many improvements to the traditional bench of his day. For example (he crouches down at the side of the bench and puts a hand level with the seat) observe how the seat is at just the right height for your feet to rest on the ground when you sit on it. (pause) Simple, yet brilliant.
	(In the background of the shot where Jeremy crouches down, the tourists rush up to another bench, take photos of it and rush off again. Jeremy doesn't notice them.)
	(In another of these shots, the Japanese benchwatchers rush up, take some photos of the bench, and rush off again. Jeremy remarks: "That was a group of Japanese tourists on a benchwatching holiday. As you can see, the Japanese approach is rather different.")

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Last update 25/7/2020 17:09

	(Another bench)
Jeremy	Mavis Sandalgrigg of Theobald Street was sitting on this bench in the summer of nineteen thirty-four when she was kissed for the first time.
	(He looks at the seat of the bench and touches it fondly. A passerby walks into the shot, sits down on the bench, and begins to read a book. Jeremy looks back at the camera, distraught.)
	(Another bench. A well-dressed but rather dishevelled man is asleep on it. Jeremy rushes into the shot and wakes the man. The man looks at him groggily, staggers to his feet, and stumbles out of the shot. )
Jeremy	This bench was made out of wood salvaged from a shipwreck on Aldenham Reservoir.
	(Another bench)
Jeremy	This bench was a body double for that famous bench in Gone with the Wind.
	(Another bench. Jeremy is sitting on it, holding a little book, rather old and tatty. This is Worthington-Cratchett's book.)
Jeremy	Worthington-Cratchett tells the story of a novice benchwatcher he heard in India. (reading:) "The novice asked his guru: 'Master, which aspect of the bench is most beautiful in the eyes of God?'"
	(jump cut to Jeremy standing behind the bench. No book in his hands, but instead a camera.)
Jeremy	"'The back?'" (He takes a photo of the bench.)
	(in front, facing the bench)
Jeremy	"'The front?'" (Another photo.)
	(to one side)
Jeremy	"'One side?'"
	(other side)
Jeremy	"'The other?'"
	(lying underneath)
Jeremy	"'The bottom?'"
	(back to sitting on the bench, book in hand)
Jeremy	"The guru replied: 'All of them. For if any aspect were removed, the bench would be a bench no longer.' The guru arranged for the novice to be reincarnated as a bench, the better to appreciate this precept." (puts the book aside) What the Lieutenant is saying there is that you can't watch a little bit of the bench at a time. You'll never be a real benchwatcher that way. You have to watch all of it, all at the same time. This is very difficult for Western people to do, because we're accustomed to taking things apart to see how they work, but I think I've managed it. I can now watch a whole bench for hours without feeling that I'm making any conscious effort.
	(close up from the side of Jeremy, looking conspiratorially out of the corner of his eye at the camera)
Jeremy	In fact, I've begun to go further than that.
Commentator	Oh really? (pause) And how can you watch all of the bench at once -
	(cut to show that Jeremy is sitting on the bench)
Commentator	- when you're actually sitting on it?
Jeremy	(mystically) I'm not just watching the bench. I'm watching the bench and its surroundings. The back of a bench means nothing without the whole bench. Likewise, a bench means nothing without the context it exists in.
	(shot from the back of the bench, with Jeremy sitting on it, showing what he's looking at)
Jeremy	I feel like a novice all over again...
	(back to the close up)
Jeremy	...but my thoughts are troubled. I find myself wondering whether the view would be more beautiful if I was sitting on the other end of the bench... (He shuffles along the bench to the other end, and then looks back longingly at the end he has just vacated.)
	(pull back from the close up. Once the pull back has gone as far as it can, cut to Oregano, sitting on a bench in his living room. He is dressed very much like Worthington-Cratchett. Could even be the same actor. He patiently waits for the commentator to finish talking.)
Commentator	(over pull back) Clearly, this is radical stuff. Indeed, some members of the British Benchwatching Committee have already described Jeremy as a dangerous heretic. We attempted to interview some of them for this programme, but they were too deeply engrossed watching the bench, the whole bench and nothing but the bench.
	(Jeremy sticks his head around the door of the room.)
Jeremy	They're just jealous that they didn't think of it first.
	(Both the commentator and Oregano ignore him.)
Commentator	So instead we spoke to Major-Domo Luciano Ftang Oregano, President of the BBC. Major-Domo Oregano, do you agree with those in your organisation who describe Jeremy Scropes as a "dangerous heretic"?
Oregano	(taken aback by the fact that the commentator is now talking to him. He talks in a deep, pompous voice, rather like the stereotype of an old army officer.) Not at all! Young Scropes has done a great deal for the Committee over the years, and I always look forward to his Bench of the Month column in our magazine Benchmark, on sale from all good newsagents, price twelve pounds fifty per issue. (He reaches down to stroke the fur on the microphone.) (smiles) He probably deserves to sit down for a while, after all the hard work he's done.
Commentator	Would you say he was insane, then?
Oregano	(smirking) No doubt about it! He's stark staring bonkers! What sane fellow would stand around staring at a bally park bench for five hours at a time, eh? Moo!
	(The Japanese tourists rush up to Oregano's bench. One of them pushes Oregano out of the way.)
Oregano	I say, do you mind? I've had just about enough of you. You're trespassing, I'll have you know!
	(The tourists completely ignore him. Fade to black.)
	(Bench at sunset. Single camera flash from last Japanese photographer.)
	(Jeremy rushes back into the room and takes photographs of the bench. Oregano is initially surprised, but then his expression changes to weary resignation as he recognises Jeremy.)
Oregano	Oh. It's you again.
	(They hold the pose for a few seconds, as the shot dissolves into one of a bench silhouetted against the setting sun.)
Commentator	(over shot of bench) There are a million tales in the naked City, and this has been just one of them. Goodnight, and remember serious benchwatching is a rare occurance. Sleep well.